For my brain flowers:

So I’m trying to decide what night this weekend I need to take the Methotrexate; a typical Thursday night decision for me. I take it at night to help off set the horrible nausea, headache, weakness that comes from it. I’ll normally jut wake up with a feeling like I had been drinking hard all night. With that, you need until about 3 or 4  to recover. And it’s not a normal hangover where you can pacify the process by taking a shot, eating some starch, gluten and salt, or just erling your life away until the rest of the liquor is mostly gone. I don’t have those options, and to push myself through it will just make everything worse.

AND I’m out of weed so this is an important decision.

I just sorted out a little more than the typical reckless woman before a weekend all my plans and how they can be accomplished. I’ve planned my meals, where I’ll sleep, what meds to bring and how to bring them, who’s going to be there and do they give a shit about my well being…

Now to squeeze in 12 hours for lead brains, motion-sick stomach, and dead muscles. I’ll pencil that in maybe before the circus, or after Artomatic. *shrug*

Keeping the absolute faith that the Universe has your best interest, regardless of the hurdles it passes out, is easy when practiced when things are stable. I appreciate having a relationship with my shrine in which I can sit and chat about my day and issues over my stones, burning herbs, and candles. They all listen from that point. It’s like the spirits see me stepping to the microphone and settle around me in their seats to hear my response to what’s happening. They already know what’s happening; they did it! Talking to them about it and hearing their reasons or intentions for my situation always makes me feel better.

About half of my meditation stones are dedicated to my health. I wear a bracelet of black onyx continually. I replaced the hematite stones above my door and windows with Jet as I heard they help cleanse and heal as well as repeal and absorb negative energy. I have red Jasper, moss agate, citrine, more onyx… I use them to help make decisions about what I need to take care of myself, to help promote recovery after meds and other things, and to stay sane, clear headed, and positive.  Sometimes, after meditating with a particular (set of) stone(s), I’ll invite them to “stay the night” with me, to sleep under my pillow or in my clothing so they can continue their work. When people curl their eyebrows at my work or reasons, I take the compliment to my dedication.

Physically, it hasn’t quite changed my symptoms but in changing how I deal with it, they seem like they have shifted. Pain is changed from being “unbearable” to “excruciating but I’m good”. Sick days are less like punishments and weaknesses and more like vacations and easy mornings. I’m less worried about the friends I’ve lost and am completely in love with the friends I’ve GAINED. The people who connect and care for those who are sick I don’t feel understand how appreciated they are. The fact that you don’t mind watching me slug around in dirty PJ’s, shower minus two days, and steroid/MTX crazy means the absolute world. (Man, that next girlfriend is going to be the SHIT!)

I’m hurt like hell and my car is in the shop for the second time this month. It has cost me about “rent” amount. I’m dealing with some disturbing new symptoms but I’m aiming to not over stress about it as my appointment is next week. I’m facing some medical bills, specialist appointments, and DHR but I’m postponing talking to any of those folks until Tuesday. I’m going to have a great weekend. My father is in town, I’m taking the kids to the circus, I’ve found support for the planned DC Black Gay Pride debauchery, and to sprinkle some Artomatic on the side, all while eating my super good plantain/black bean rice and portabello mushrooms. 

Being black, gay, and my own best friend has really held my sanity and happiness this week. I dig it all.

This weekend, I ran away. It was fun. I didn’t think I was for being out at much at first but I really wanted to be mixed around some poetry and women. So that’s what I did and then rode my high to DC. 

It’s one thing to pacify your sick body enough to keep up with the various activities involved in socializing with young lesbians and their friends. It’s another thing to have a friend who’s looking out for your sick body in order to not lose your company. I had fun ignoring my phone, playing with sunrays, and admiring women this weekend.

I’m now hungover from…something. I did eat a cookies in the afternoon. (I was acting out.) I just don’t think that’s enough to feel like I had shots last night. I’m not really thrilled with the restrictions on my “freedom” but I still love being free nonetheless. At least I knew it could be coming. Every adventure must have a “body debrief” scheduled afterwards.

Today, I’m in a place of acceptance. It brings me to peacefully and lovingly appreciate everything in my existence right now, including my illness. It all drives my purpose. Everything in divine order. Than who am I to say what should?

Today’s a good day. I hope I can maintain this vibration. 

arthritisy:

Arthritis = a condition of the joints

Autoimmune arthritis = a disease that afflicts primarily the joints.

It’s really that simple.

This morning, the first thing I did was slide my head under the pillows. I have the most extreme hangover from MTX but I knew it was coming. I didn’t want to be sick on Sunday, my only free day, so Friday night was the scheduled time. Too bad that didn’t happen until about 1:30 this morning. The second thing, after I was stable enough for the bathroom, was dance in front of the mirror. I spent the whole day yesterday enjoying the way music made me feel. I miss dancing. I miss hard, sweaty, glasses-off, shirt-twisted, skirt-shifted, dancing. I could push hard in my room for about 4 minutes, and then immediately attention goes to my knees, then my hips, while I raise my feet in the air. Today, I’m limited to that one outburst in my bathroom mirror. It’s completely worth it.

I saw Fela! last night with a friend! It was amazing! The presentation of his story was enlightening and motivating. The women were absolutely gorgeous! We did have balcony seats but chanced into meeting one of the actors giving away a couple seats as we approached the building. I knew it was God personally setting me up with the closer seats I knew we could have. I had done all I could, even visit the box office early, to grab a chance at upgraded seats earlier in the day. I love it when I can see the universe feeding my intention. We sat in the 8th row, center orchestra. Yes!

I had a lot to worry about this week. I still do for the next few weeks. I have chosen not to. I much rather trust that my ancestors are looking out for me like they’ve been doing. They know my purpose, cause, and hear my prayers. I’m happy, TODAY!!, despite the ever increasing stiffness and swelling I’m experiencing right now, the bills I paid yesterday, and the tasks set up for me in the future. I’m happy to be alive for the stab at dealing with it all. 

I’m happy for the space to go roll this doobie so my body can feel like my smile! 

Thanks for hanging in through the writing, eating, grabbing, moving, and opening we had to handle. You’re ride or die. I promise, I’ll do what I can to make you better.

(Source: postcoital-cigarettes)

It seems to be more of a process than I expected. Resting, that is. I’ve had to actually work on forgiving myself when needing to rest or to slow down. I feel that I’ve slowed down a lot in general given the circumstance. When looking at my work situation, I’m only using about one tenth the amount of energy than before. I know committing to something weekly, let alone something active, is just not in my realm right now. I’ve even settled for “clean” instead of “neat and clean” most days around my living space. Chores and normal duties of preparing food and grooming myself for example are more taxing than a part-time job. By the time I wake up, make food for the baby and I, and walk back upstairs, I’m done. 

When I do feel okay, I take off like jet. One morning I woke up, almost sprang up. Being pleased with my mobility I wanted to take advantage of it and ran around the house, cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming. That was all good for about 45-60 minutes, and then my knee buckled once. I made it to a couch before the rest of my body started screaming. My friend was there, watching me go through all this, showing minimal sympathy. “Melody, you need to rest and quit trying to run yourself dry every chance you get.”

True. So I’m listening. Shortening my to-do lists and setting up a comfortable office-in-bed. Making my priority my meals and medicine, and not the dishes. They’re second. I’ve found ways to enrich the 2 year old’s mind and play time without destroying my wrists with coloring, writing, or any toy handling at all. (I’ve also gotten pretty good at making chores entertaining activities for the girls so my limbs can get a break…let’s play, ‘load the dishwasher and sort the laundry’.) 

I just wish I didn’t want to write so much. My wrists hurt. *reads*

What is more off the market than a well put together mature single black lesbian in Baltimore? One who wants to date another well put together black lesbian with a chronic illness. 

Today has offered the funniest ride on a romantic roller coaster and I am still as single as I was when I woke up. Maybe a little more - ha. So what happened was:

I have been connecting with a nice woman for the past two months or so. We’ve really hung out twice, but have spent a majority of our time on the phone or online as she works a lot, I’m sick a lot, and neither one of us can stay up past 11 apparently. I introduced her to my illness on our third conversation. I remember because I almost felt like I was lying the first couple times we interacted and I didn’t mention it. We had met before, a while ago, while I was still in my previous relationship and healthy. So I can understand her not being able to fully grasp the realness of my situation right away. It was about three or four weeks into us talking that she asked me about it, more in depth than she has before. It seemed like the was just then getting into reading more about what RA is and started asking things she never did before, or would make comments to make me believe she doubted I had any major ability left.

Now, I can’t fully blame her. I actually appreciate her attempting to know me. I’m glad the idea fell into her head that “gee, I could potentially be dating a chronically ill woman; let me go find out what RA is”. People who still call themselves my good friends still haven’t done that. Since that new inquiry however, our phone calls/texts/messages have been sparse. I figured I was forgotten about, until earlier this afternoon.

She called. Asked how I was doing. We shit-chatted about her job, my car, the kids, her lack of breakfast… Then she said “are you still sick?”. I hadn’t talked to her for over a week, almost two. I’m not quite sure what to think when people who KNOW me and understand the word “chronic” ask if I’m STILL sick? Do they mean from the last stomach ache? MTX dose? flare? weekend? So after I talked about feeling better, performing my poetry, and now recovering from all that, she sounded discouraged. She sounded like I turned her off. Anyone who is aware enough of whoever their interacting with recognizes that change in vibration. To end the story, I think she understands chronic illness more, but has also decided that I’m not all that she’s looking for.

Fine. I wasn’t exactly head over heels but the conversation was fun. *shrug* Anyway, for me, it was another bucket of single hood poured over my sheets from my vibrator. (Even their company is getting old. They don’t hold me and tell me everything is fine. Maybe if I spend over $100 for the next one, it will.)

While I was resisting the urge to “settle”, I received a phone call from someone else. A woman I met in DC once. A fun Puerto Rican lady and her girlfriend. To me, they are one of three couples who’s friendship I admire. We don’t talk that often so her timing was wonderful. When I first met her, I was trying to get away from my girlfriend. Every time we talk, she asks me if I’m dating and how single I’m feeling. I think she secretly gets off on hooking girls up, and I don’t mind because her circle is awesome. It was nice to quickly catch up with her. I take her checking in as a sign from the universe that mine is out there, she’s just not ready for me yet. That’s cool, because I’m going to require a lot. They’ll have to be worth the magnitude of my nurturing too. 

I just hope they have thick nappy hair, and at least pescatarian! I think glasses are cute too but maybe I’m biased. *notes to the Universe*

This greatness I had for dinner yesterday was a wonderful precursor to the timeless sleep and Netflix marathon I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Soyrizo is a gluten-free vegan imitation of chorizo sausage (if you haven’t figured). It’s spiced nicely, but it doesn’t crumble or brown very well. It also gives that “I’m not real sausage, I’m soy” aftertaste that doesn’t need to be there. Alone, I could tell it wasn’t going to be much of a hit but with a little work, it made a huge pot of this awesome…stuff…that’s good on noodles, rice, or more veggies. I ate it over a sweet potato and greens the day before. I’d could see it over mashed or roasted potatoes too. Because I can eat it in different ways over a about a week from the microwave, it satisfies like a hearty meal without making me sick, and it doesn’t require being weakened by the work in the kitchen, brings me more joy in food than I’ve had in a very long time. 

This is what I did:

I took these items -
1 pkg of Soyrizo, near the dairy and lunchmeat (Wholefoods), or produce (Giant).
16oz of chopped portobella mushrooms.
2 zuccinis, chopped 
1 can diced tomato, drained (I didn’t, you can)
1 chopped onion (I didn’t, you can)
1 chopped green pepper (That sounds good too, I wish I could.)
2-3 spoonfuls minced garlic
1/4c of vinegar

My measurements are all approximate, as I like to eyeball it to decide if it’s enough. Everything was put in a large pan with enough water to almost cover it completely. (I’d wait till later to add the tomatoes.) When it was simmering, I seasoned it with these:

Dill
Mustard Powder
Pepper
Salt
Cilantro.
(I’d probably add the tomato now too.) 

Then I let it cook until the zuccini was soft completely, slightly translucent, no “white part”. I then added:

1 cup of Rice brand shredded mozzerella-style cheese (vegan)
3-4 spoonfuls of nutritional yeast

I added a little more water too so it wouldn’t get too thick.

And because too much cheese is never enough cheese, even when it’s fake cheese, I threw a slice of Rice brand pepperjack style cheese on top and let it melt after I plated my “Soyrizo stuff” over some rice noodles. Noomm-nom-nom-nommm. I won’t have to miss spaghetti ever again.

Next attempt: “Meaty” Mac and Vegan! *smile*